My little Angel

Subhan'Allah the past few weeks have been like excruciating torture to me. The combination of my academic struggles and the whirlwind of feelings I call my emotions has just made this big jumbled up mess. To top it all off my best friend is in some far off land where the phone lines and electricity cut out frequently and when they actually do work, the time change makes calling at an appropriate hour very difficult. I've gotten to the point where I just don't want to see or speak to anyone and just disappear into non-existence only when that actually happens I long for someone to talk to. Humans! They're never happy. This blog comes in handy when you want to talk to someone and be non-existant at the same time, but I must admit, having a real human with real responses would be ideal (sorry guys).

Just as I thought things could not possibly get more depressing than they already are, I was assigned a patient - a tiny little boy (six weeks old) who's face I cannot get out of my face and who's cry I constantly hear. I think of him when I feel down, and suddenly my life seems perfect. This little innocent baby was abused by his father who allegedly stepped on his head and caused major bleeding and swelling in the brain which in turn caused some major neuro changes in this boy. What's more depressing is that mom was nowhere to be seen or heard from. When I would go in and assess him or give him meds he would cry this weak cry and the sound of that defenseless cry tore at my heart strings. How could anyone even think to do such a horrible thing to such a small defenseless child? What would possibly trigger a person to something like this? A child this age deserves to be loved, he deserves to be held in his mothers hands and be fed either by breast or bottle - NOT a tube!! This child needs to be smouthered in kisses, not swaddled and left in a crib to cry alone and not be heard.

I found my ears to listen :) He deserves to be held, so when I'm free and have nothing to do, I sit in his room, in the rocking chair and hold him. While I am not allowed to kiss him due to hospital regulations, I cuddle him and talk to him and tell him how I feel and he listens, I know he does because he looks me square in the eye - I'm sure he doesn't understand a word I'm saying, but who cares? I wonder sometimes if sane, awake, oriented adults understand what I'm saying.

While I sit there and play mommy, I wonder what he's thinking. I wonder how he would smile if he was allowed to be a healthy child like he was born, how instead of crying he would coo like a normal baby. Why bring a child into this world if you're not going to love it?

This little angel of mine makes my pittiful life look like absolute perfection.

I cry for Gaza

As I sit watching the news of the atrocities in Gaza - particularly world news, Al-Jazeera to be exact, because its the only channel that shows it like it is - I feel guilty. I'm ashamed to be sitting in the comfort of my home, on my nice soft couch, in my nicely ironed clothes, calm despite my boiling blood as a result of the injustices my brothers and sisters are enduring. I am ashamed to sit in front of my TV as images of dying children are flashing before my eyes, while my nieces and nephews are laughing and giggling in the background, playing hide-and-seek - a child should never know the world of guns and bombs, and yet this is an everyday reality for too many children.

My heart aches and the pain is unbearable when I see a mother wailing, crying and screaming at the news that her child has died, the images make me sick to my stomach - I am no longer able to drink my tea in front of my TV set.

I feel helpless and this makes me disgusted at myself! How could I possibly just be sitting here, knowing in my heart that what is going on is wrong and unjust - and still I'm just sitting here. I cry and my heart aches, the tears well up in my eyes. The news causes my heart to race and my rage is causing my face to turn red with anger - and still I am at home, safe, with my family, without a single fear in my mind that they will be taken from me. I even smile every now and again at the jokes my nephew says and then I am reminded that while my life is perfect at this very moment, one of my brothers and sisters are suffering.

As night time approaches and I am extremely exhausted from the long day of lectures and the tedious hours of studying, I get ready for sleep. As my head hits the pillow a horrible thought crosses my mind - while I sleep, comfortably in the warmness of my bed, they are dying. Suddenly, sleep is not an option. How could I sleep, knowing what is going on?? I wish I was there, able to do something - anything - even if it is to give someone a hug and feel the pain that they are feeling.

**sigh**

PLEASE!!! Keep our brothers and sisters in Gaza in your dua's

Jihad-un-Nafs......

And I lost the battle big time. I'd rather not go into details, but I'd just like to say that I feel stupid to say the very least. What the heck was I thinking??

Anyways, I'm really not in the mood to discuss it, so instead I'll share something that I've been meaning to share for quite some time....

Dated June 26, 2006 ( I think) - In regards to Mr. Possibility (round one)...FIGHT..(Just Kidding)

Today I learned a very important lesson and while I am have a painfully difficult time digesting what life taught me, I am happy in a gloomy and gray kind of way. The lesson? Well, it has many parts to it. For starters, life is too short, I've learned that a broken heart really hurts and that keeping your feelings bottled up inside doesn't benefit anyone. I have learned not to trust too much and that thinking with your mind can be just as dangerous as thinking with your heart. I have learned that life is cruel, but Allah (SWT) is merciful. Alhamdulilah I am Muslim because if I wasn't I would be at a bar downing shots of vodka in a sad effort to drown my sorrows. I have learned that anticipation and optimism while beautiful are also the two ugliest concepts ever. And still, all I can think of is that painful broken heart that I am enduring at the moment.

If ther is one thing that I have always known, its that Allah (SWT) is the best of planners and that He never presents a person with a hardship that he cannot handle. I have always known that something that doesn't kill you will make you stronger and although optimism is not on my good side, I am going to let it stick around for a while.....its the only way I think I can survive.

I believe that everything happens for a reason, no matter how bad it hurts, there is a significance to everything and nothing is a mistake. Perhaps he was brought into my life to make me a better Muslim? My mind is obviously not sophisticated enough to comprehend the loop holes and reasons being the events of my life, only my Raab knows the answer to that. And while I can go on and on about the things that I am feeling despite my inability to comprehend, I am going to conclude by saying "Alhamdulilah."