Under Management

Rarely do I ever have a young patient. Where I work, the patients are usually my parents' age or a lot older. However, a couple weeks ago I had a patient who was not much older than myself. As a matter of fact we probably listened to the same music, watched the same shows, followed the fashion trends growing up.

The first day I took care of him, it was like taking care of any patient. You know, formal - I called him mister. The second day, we became friends. Laughing, joking, watching the basketball game together (I like to build a rapport with my patients...especially when I know I'll be caring for them for at least a couple days). While I was starting his IV, one of our psych patients started to scream. He rolls his eyes. I laughed.

"Am I on the psych ward?!" He asks...half serious, half joking.

"It feels like it doesn't it...I promise its not a psych floor."

"Yeah right!"

"Well, I mean we take care of psych patients from time to time, plus a lot of older patients with dementia end up on this floor, so they confused and at out sometimes."

"Yesterday some lady was talking about bacon. Like at 2 in the morning!"

"Oh you mean Edna (not her real name, of course)? She can be a hand full, but I think she got discharged"

"OMG, so its another one....ya'll do have me on the psych ward. Man, your husband probably hears some crazy stories from you."

I smile, "I'm not married."

"You're kidding right?" I nod my head. "WOW, well dang girl, you walk around like you're under management or something."

"Why does everyone say that?!" I'm now officially blushing from semi-embarrassment

"Its the way you carry yourself, like you have a man on your side or something."

The conversation carried further. I still don't know why every man I encounter in person assumes I'm married just by the way I "carry" myself. I think I'm pretty friendly...at least with men that are not Muslim in an attempt to show them that Muslim women are not stiff prudes as we are often portrayed as. I smile, I joke, I laugh and am also not afraid to have a decent conversation with men. So why is it that men always think I'm married?

I went on a date a couple days ago....

I have a feeling this will muster up a lot of hate messages, judgment and more, but, before ya'll get your knickers in a twist..please read first.

My co-workers are aware that I don't go out with guys...alone. They also know that I only get married...and to Muslim men only. (I say it like I do this on a daily basis).

So the date.

This guy is Muslim...he's an acquaintance of this friend of mine. And I guess he happens to be looking for someone and happened to be in town that day. So, my friend tells me she wants me to meet a friend of hers "He's Muslim, good-looking, single and looking."

Me: "Um? can I think about it?"
Her: He's only here for a few days for work. I think you should really think about it. Hey...you never know, it could work!

Me: (nervous as hell, yet appreciative of the offer) I'll think about it...I'll let you know by lunch time.

While I was there...toying with this idea, I consulted a friend..a sister. Her thoughts went something like this:

"What do you know about him? Is he practicing or a closet Muslim? How MUSLIM is he? How old is he?" and the list of 21 questions continued.

Eventually, I decided, on my own to meet him (with this friend of mine of course) I call it a date because of its spur of the moment-ness, the fact my parents had no clue, the fact that I didn't know anything about him. The only thing that made it not a date was that my friend was going to be there. And, it wasn't really a date. But that is what she called it.

So after work, we decided to meet him for coffee. On the way there my friend was asking a million questions.

"So, what do I do? Do I sit at the same table? Do I act like furniture or do I actually interact? I've never really been on a date with someone as a chaperone."

When I write it down it sounds kind of comedic, but while it was happening it didn't feel so funny. I felt like I was doing something wrong, even though I wasn't, really....or was I?

He was a complete gentleman. He didn't try to shake my hand, he respected my space. He was funny, smart. I felt like we could really be friends. But there was something I couldn't put my finger on that just didn't seem to sit right in my stomach. Its been a few days and I haven't heard from him yet and I'm not really sure what happens next.

I guess we wait...some more?

Resolutions...

I know I am late by a few days, but it seems like that time of year. The time of year when everyone is making list upon list things that they would like to do before the following year....a list of things they probably will never do, not even in ten years.

Lose weight, exercise more, stop procrastinating (but of course you will procrastinate and decide to stop procrastinating....tomorrow). Been there, done that.

I on the other other hand don't like to make resolutions, they don't cross my mind until everyone around me starts to talk about their own resolutions. I don't want to lose weight - to be honest, I don't have enough weight to lose anyway. I'd like to exercise more, but if I don't, it wouldn't bother me. Yes, procrastinating is something I would LOVE to stop doing, but lets face it...I'll probably continue to do that for a long time. I would like to be a better Muslimah (but this is a lifetime resolution).

You see the thing with resolutions is that you can't just have one. The reality is, we ALL need tweaking. We have MANY things to change...not just one. So I propose a new concept...instead of a new YEAR resolution...I propose we make a new DAY resolution. Every day..a new resolution. We change one thing everyday and each day we build on it.

I mean why wait a whole year to work on another improvement?

PRESSURE PRESSURE

It's enough when a Muslim girl is pressured by her family and friends to find a guy and settle down. But I think the tip of the ice berg, straw that broke the camels back, etc is when a non-Muslim tells a Muslim girl that she better start looking for a husband.

At the time it happened to me, it was funny...but it only made my situation even more apparent to me. And it got me thinking.

Maybe the guy I truly want does not exist. My mother tells me that I am way too picky. And I can agree with her. However, the thought of settling makes me despise getting married at all. I personally don't think the things I expect are extraordinary...I mean they are characteristics that exist in many people...(only they are married). I just seem to have an impossible time finding my person.

The search continues....and the frustration grows.

I'm in love....

....with his voice!

Subhan'Allah, every Ramadan I'll attend a masjid for Tarawih or Qiyam ul Layl and some brother at one of the many masjids I attend will have the most amazing voice, and I will fall in love.

I was at a Qiyam the other night and this happened.

I don't know if I'm the only one that goes through this. But I literally fall in love with the voice, it brings peace to me (of course that's because its the words of Allah recited so nicely) and I can't get the voice out of my mind. I even go so far as to try to find out who the brother is (and of course if he's single)....however I think I'm so old that every time this happens the brother is younger than me....this one was 19.

Sigh

I'm looking....

....but don't really know WHERE to look.

Ok so I suppose every Muslim of my age is probably looking. For a spouse that is. You see, for the past I dunno how many years, it never was a goal of mine to get married. To clarify, of course I wanted to get married, but it never really seemed like something that was so pressing. And I suppose its still not that pressing - so tell me why I feel that way?

I suppose it has a lot to do with me being Indian and in my mid-20's. You see, according to Indian standards, I have already reached my expiration date. I'm much to old to marry someone within a reasonable age range of mine. Now the Indian thing doesn't really bother me...I mean, I have no specific desire to marry "my kind." As a matter of fact I want to marry someone outside of my race to be the first one to break the stigma of outside marriages (people in my family that marry outside the culture...generally marry a non-Muslim). I feel that this racist thing is a big problem in the community (a post for another time).

Anyway...back to my question....WHERE do I look!? When I was younger, it seemed it was so much easier...guys came to me...I never had to worry about whether I had to go scouting so-to-speak. Unfortunately for me...the game has changed a little...and I've pretty much forgotten how to play. You see, I used to play back in m y Jahilia..of course I definitely don't wanna play that way, but what I'm saying is I don't know where to look or how to get what I'm looking for.

You see, the masjid hasn't really served as a good source for me, perhaps it has a lot to do with my locale and "my kind" and their way of doing things. Match-making aunties scare the crap out of me and weird me out. The friends outlet I guess could totally work the only problem is I have 4 very close friends and don't really keep up to much with others unless I run into them at the masjid (that's my bad). The rest of the time, I'm at work. So what's a sister to do?

I guess the truth isn't really the lack of brothers approaching me...the real issue is finding someone that appeals to me, because I think I've gotten to a stage where I don't mind being the initiating party. I'd really like to settle down soon. And then when I say it out loud like that I feel like I sound desperate..but truth be told...that's how I feel.

I don't know how many brother read this thing..but it be great to hear from you as well.

Ramadan is Rehab

Many people would think that rehab is for alcoholics or drug addicts, but the truth of the matter is...we all need rehab. On a daily basis we each often give into the drug more commonly known as the nafs (I think the closest translation would probably be the id - animalistic, non-rational side). We give into our id because its what feels good. Similarly, drug addicts and alcoholics engage in their risky behavior because doing so makes them feel good. Drinking takes there pain away as eating often times takes our pain away (my ticket to pain-free depression is mac and cheese).

In medicine, we often put a patient through rehab by taking them away from the thing that is harming them. At first, we completely isolate them from the drug, be it alcohol or any other recreational intoxicant. We do this to rid the body of the toxin. Its often a painful process resulting in hallucinations, delusions and pain.

In Ramadan we abstain from food and other things as well (swearing, lying, cheating, backbiting, sleeping, having intimate relations, and everything else that can be detrimental to our self). Like drug detoxification the first fast is probably the hardest, the most painful...I mean we are STARVING. This is the detox phase - please note that scientifically the act of fasting is actually a physical means of detoxifying the body, it allows the liver, kidneys, skin, etc to rid themselves and the body of toxins - go figure!

After the detox phase, we often place the addict in programs that teach behavioral modification. We teach him to completely stay away from bars, change his group of friends, even take a different route to work or home. We teach him to eat certain foods to help curb his cravings, etc. This can serve as a very influential, provided the addict takes it seriously and actually tries to modify his behavior. (Notice the similarities?)

In Ramadan, we often find ourselves attending the masjid more often than we do at any other time of our lives. We sit through long lectures, pray qiyam ul layl, give sadaqa, read Quran. We turn of our TVs, put our Tupac CDs away and pull out CDs with Quranic recitations of Shuyukh like Shaykh Al-Effasy or Shaykh Sudais. When someone tries our patience, instead of lashing out like we normally would, we try to refrain. We try to abstain from backbiting. And the list goes on.

There is no benefit to rehab unless the rehabilitation process continues. In medicine we say, "Once and addict, always an addict." Intoxicants are intoxicating, they take over your thoughts, they debilitate you and the truth of the matter is for as long as you live, you will always be in rehab. People don't say that they are Recovered Alcoholics or that they used to be alcoholics. When you go to an AA meeting people introduce themselves by saying, "Hi, my name is HB and I am an Alcoholic." And they proceed to tell you how many decades its been since they're last drink.

Likewise, we as Muslims are a constant work in progress. None of us is immune from the waswasa of Shaytan. Each of us is susceptible to fall into the trap of our desires. So while we go through an intensive one-month rehab session every year, it is up to us to remain in check, to take what we learn in this blessed month and apply it into our lives every day with out fail.

May each and every single one of you have a blessed Ramadan. Please remember me and the entire Muslim Ummah in your dua.