I think I'm slipping

Since this whole Mr. Possibility thing has been over, I've been doing a lot of thinking. For those of you who know me (from my blog...which is quite an accurate indicator of me), you are well aware of my belief that all things happen for a reason. I am an individual that likes to see the good in every situation despite its bitterness. That being said, I am happy in a dreary kind of way. However, with that happiness came a sort of realization that I will take as a wake up call of sorts. Remember when I said I thought I was compromising my faith? I think I have in a sense and I'm scared! I need an Iman Rush stat! Before my time became occupied with telephone conversations and emails and formal dinners at his parents house or mine, I spent my time at the masjid as much as possible, even if it was just very quick to stop by and make salah. I want to point out that I am not blaming him...its all my fault (well shaytan played a huge role in too).

I just feel like I've hit this point of disconnect. I mean I still pray and all that good stuff (alhamdulilah), but sometimes it feels like this combination of words and actions - I'm missing the kushoo..and I wish it would come back really quick.


I dunno...I just feel empty...help.

It's over.

I think the title says it all....its over - with Mr. Possibility, that is.

In a sense I'm happy, but at the same time I'm saddened that things didn't end up as anticipated by my friends and my family. These past couple of months have been somewhat of an eye opener for me and despite the disappointment, I'm glad I experienced it. I've learned a lot.

I want to start off by saying that I don't hate him (Alhamdulilah) and I don't think that he's a bad person either, he's just not the person for me. Subhan'Allah, its so funny how all this time during out "courtship" if that's what you want to call it, I looked for ways this could work and I saw the good in our relationship (not that it was bad), and then yesterday while I was praying Isha, it dawned on me - I'm not happy and I definitely am not myself. I know a lot of it is contributed to my work load and my busy schedule and the fact that I'm really never home and when I am, I'm working on this assingment and that project, etc. But I have also noticed that there's a bigger change - I rarely smile and I cry too much (totally not my personality).

And its not just that either. I'm the type of person that finds the beauty in Allah (SWT) creation. I admire the beauty of the sky, the ocean, the wind and just about everything else. It gives me an Iman rush. The couple times that I have had such a conversation with him about the beauty of the moon or how much I enjoy nature and how it just amazes me, etc. He kind of just answers with the affirmative and thats the end of the discussion and then we're back to "so what are your plans for the weekend?"

I thought that I could push him to change, but I feel like I'm being pulled in the other direction and it scares me. I don't really think the strength of my faith is something that I'm willing to tamper with even if it will land me a lifetime partner. I need someone who wants to be a better Muslim, someone who pushes me to be a better Muslim. I mean its good to have fun and what not but there's more to life than just fun and games. I need someone who shares the same life goals as I do - I'm not sure if I make sense or not, but I just had to get it off my chest in hopes that someone understands me.

I'm back (for now)

So I've been gone for a while...almost nearing a month. For all those who left me messages and emails with well wishes and curiosity..thanks! It feels good to know that someone cares to know what's going on.

A lot of people have been emailing or commenting on the situation with Mr. Possibility (I say a lot like its a million people...ok ok...SOME). Alhamdulilah, things are going well. I know I sit here and rant and rave about how he doesn't really fit the bill when it comes to religiosity and what not, but he really is a good guy. Don't get me wrong, it still bothers me that he's not super religious or that his social views are rather liberal compared to mine, but as a person he is really amazing. Don't get all excited, there are no wedding bells, no engagement ring, nothing. Its just that over the past few days, when I've needed a friend the most and a shoulder to cry on (in the figurative way, not literally), he has been there. He's tried his hardest to cheer me up and for the most part has succeeded.

One of the things that I admire about him is that he supports me in everything that I do. He supports my decision to persue a higher education, my desire to work and be active in the community both Islamically and not. The problem I find in most "religious" men is that while they follow most Islamic guidelines when it comes to life, i.e. praying, going to the masjid, relations with the opposite gender, community work, etc., they often fail to support their wives' community involvement and participation (its a bit of a double standard). Mr. Possibility on the other hand, while not super active, he supports me and applauds me for my effort...I like that.

When I read the entries that I wrote about him in the past, I have truly been unjust to him. He truly is a kind hearted man. And I'm not sure if I'm being naive or childish, but after my (almost) month of absence, I truly saw how much he cares about me. I'm going to be more open minded from now on insha'Allah.

Muslims and Halloween.....I don't get it

So, tomorrow is Halloween (let's throw a party....NOT)

I don't get it! What I mean is I don't understand this new (or maybe just to me) concept of Muslims celebrating Halloween. I mean, don't get me wrong I celebrated it back in the day when I was a kid. I even dressed up as a Ninja Turtle or something (Donatello, I think) but I think the last Halloween I celebrated was when I was 6. After that, I think my dad or the Imam at the masjid put a stop to it or something. Besides, as my parents like to say "times have changed, you can't trust people now a days." I remember coming home with my sack full of candy and then having it meticulously searched by my mom and dad before I could eat it. But that is besides the point! The point is, for years we've been told about the Haraamness of Halloween and I totally agree with it..I think its totally pagan and haraam in every way, what I don't get is how and why Muslims have started to delve back into celebrating it....it makes no sense. And as if the haraamness comes from going out into the streets and dressing up as someone, lets have a costume party at the masjid on HALLOWEEN! What is happening to this ummah?

I had a conversation with Mr. Possiblity about this matter. He apparently attended a Halloween party this week. He validated it by telling me that it was an event for his masters program....khair. He could tell that I was annoyed by what he had said and then asked me what the big deal was. What's the big deal??? Are you kidding me?? You just told me that you engaged in this kafir/pagan party and now you're asking me what the big deal is?! Needless to say I haven't spoken to him in a week. URGH.

To some people - Like Mr. Possibility - Dressing up as someone you're not and attending a party where everyone else is dressed up as someone they're not is not a big deal. And perhaps when you say it like that it isn't a big deal, but when you look back to see why you're dressed up and why you engage in that practice you'd have to be an idiot to not see the danger and sin in it. Or perhapse I'm the idiot...only Allah knows. The way I see it, its better to just stay away completely.

As for Mr. Possiblity...I wish he would change, not for me...but for himself, for the sake of Allah. I told my parents that I would TRY to make it work. And if it does, Alhamdulilah and if not Alhamdulilah...Allah (SWT) is the best of planners.

As if I wasn't confused enough....

He threw yet another curve ball.

Yesterday was my day off, so I took major advantage of it and spent my time out, with my friends. It was rather nice: A few good friends, lunch out in the grass, overlooking a nearby lake...pure bliss. I definitely was not expecting the following events...it was the last thing on my mind.

Anyways, after praying Maghrib at a friends apartment, I made my way back home. As I pull up to my driveway, I see 2 cars parked out by my house...two very familiar cars. My parents didn't tell me there were going to be visitors. If I had known I definitely would not be wearing THIS hijaab, and OMG I'm so sweaty from playing soccer. The cars? My brother's car was blocking the driveway as it always does on the weekends when he comes by with his daughter and the other....are you ready for this? Mr. Possibility's car was parked on my driveway....IN MY SPOT. Naturally, I parked my car on the street. The keys remained in the ignition and my headlights remained on - I sat there for what seemed like hours, but in actuality was probably just a couple minutes. What the - what is he doing here? Does my hijaab look okay? Where's my lip gloss? Maybe its not him....maybe his parents came in his car, but then why are they here? The questions are bombarding my mind, almost like my neurons are having some kind of party. I can't deny that I didn't feel like turning on my car and taking off, but I didn't. Instead, I took a deep breath, looked at myself in the mirror, pulled the keys out of the ignition and made my way to my front door.

I opened the door and peeked my head in, the way I do when I'm home really late and I want to see if my mom is sitting on the couch waiting for me before I start to dish out the 101 reasons why I'm late. Only this time, my mom wasn't on the couch....he was. This is not happening!! Only, it was. Well you can't shut the door and leave now...you may as well go in. "Assalamualaikum" I say generally, loud enough for people to hear, but quiet enough to not invite any unwarranted conversation. And then, I quickly run upstairs. As I ran up the stairs, I noticed a bouquet of flowers on the coffee table. No, seriously, this isn't happening. When I got in my room, I sat on my bed, staring at the mirror as if it was going to give me answers, and it didn't.

My phone buzzes - a text message - from him. "I didn't come here to see your parents you know..." This is happening. I changed my clothes - a nicer hijaab and an nicer smelling abaya, put on a little lip gloss and made my way downstairs again. I swear my heart was pounding so fast it felt like it was gonna jump out of my chest. His parents are sitting down with my parents and he's sitting with my brother. They all seemed to be engaged in conversation that suddenly ceased when I walked downstairs. AWKWARD! Again I say salaams, this time it was loud enough for me to hear over my beating heart.

His mom jumps off her seat and greets me with this huge hug and kiss. I was too nervous to even say a word to him, I didn't even want to look at him. When I said talk to my dad, I didn't mean come over!!! I find a seat next to my mom. Again, my phone buzzes. I should have left that stupid phone upstairs!

With any aunty hook-up thing, or any aunty get together thing for that matter, there was tea and cookies. My mother elbows me and says "Why don't you see if Mr. Possiblity wants any." If looks could kill, I think my mother might have been dead tonight (May Allah (SWT) protect her). I didn't ask him if he wanted any, but instead his mother called him to the table. As if that's not awkward enough, my mother and his mother leave the table and we're left to sit there. Why is this so hard?? I've known him my whole life.

He tells a couple dumb jokes to ease the tension off of me a little - I suppose the comic relief helped a bit. We talked for a while. And by "we talked" I mean he talked, I say a couple of words in response to his questions and we suffered through a million awkward silences.

The verdict? I have decided to give it a shot. His parents and my parents seem very interested in this union and I love them all very dearly. So for them - and for a bit of guilty pleasure - I am going to try....TRY....to make this work.

They leave...another buzz...."How's that for my grand gesture? Sweet dreams"

Its time for another girly post....

In all honesty, I hate the girly side of me. You know the side that thinks about guys (usually in my case its one particular one..i think I've long outgrown the constant crushing stage of life), the side who over analyzes things and the side that cares too much about what the other person thinks or feels even though you swear to yourself up and down that you don't care.....I HATE IT!!

A couple months ago, I wrote about Mr. Possibility and how somehow or the other he managed to squeeze himself back into my life and how I was confused as to what to do or how to deal with it (um...just read the post). I'm not usually one to speak about my feelings, which is one of the reasons I started this blog in the first place....to discuss how I feel inside, get advice, hear your input all the while not being judged (besides, even if you judge me...you don't know for sure who I am).

Two months ago, following my best friend's wedding, Mr. Possibility wiggled his way back into my life. It first started off with a couple of glances from all the way across the room to online messages about how sorry he was for ever doing anything to hurt me and how he wanted a second chance. Like any girl, the attention made me feel good in a weird way. For the longest, despite the closeness of our families (his father and my uncle are best friends) I have managed to steer clear of him, deliberately not going to his house when I know he's there or outright ignoring him when he's around. I find it, however, interesting that after we had agreed to be "friends" and call it a truce how I see him everywhere. The funniest thing is that he doesn't even live in the same state as me!!! And if I don't see him, I hear about him.

The other day my aunt was like "hey Hijaabified Beauty, what do you think about Mr. Possibility??" I think you and him would make a wonderful couple....I nearly choked on my tea. My mom even thinks he's a great prospect...I mean who wouldn't...he's good looking, funny, he loves his family and alhamdulilah they are well to do, my only problem is his religiousity. I wish he was the type of brother that would drop everything he was doing to go pray salatul asr, even if he's out shopping at the mall, but he isn't, at least not from what I see. The other day I ran into him at this place that I always study at (he was in town for Eid), he said salams and sat at my table and attempted to study with me, and when I asked him just what he thought he was doing he made it seem like there was no big deal in he and I studying together - afterall we were in a public place. When I explained that it was a big deal for me, he kind of gave me this weird look and sat somewhere else. I was releived, but I won't lie - I felt bad...I think I hurt his feelings.

After all these years and all the changes that we went through, I still care what he thinks, I still worry that I hurt his feelings, I still wonder what he's upto. I don't think its that I still see him as Mr. Possiblity, or at least I hope I don't. I keep telling myself that...."Hb, its not going to work out, move on, he's not your type." Then why did I reject a proposal that came my way recently? Why is it when I got that proposal I thought what would Mr. Possiblity think? I still hurt when he hurts, I still think how he's doing living so far away from home, I still get that rollercoaster dipping feeling in my stomach when he smiles at me after all these years, and I still get that warm feeling in body when his parents are so nice to me. When I'm around his family I get this fuzzy feeling, BUT I can not see myself raising good Muslim children with him. WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME!!?

I don't really think I'm looking for a real answer...I just needed to tell someone....thanks for listening.

PS: I could use a TON of dua's right now.

Torn...

I am torn...its been a few days since I spoke to Mr. Possibility and still I cannot get our conversation out of my head. I see him sign in and sign out, the whole while he is online playing the "message him, don't message him" game. Before you snicker and laugh at how teenie-bopperish this sounds, I am not a love-struck teenager, as a matter of fact I am in my mid-20s. I want so badly to talk to him and square away whatever confusion the both of us have, but at the same time, although I told him that night that I forgave him for everything that he did back in the day, I still have this huge question mark at the back of my mind. I am not sure if I can trust him anymore.

I know brother Salaam suggests that I speak to Mr. Possibility, but my friends think that I should just wait and see what happens and that if he truly cares to make things right, eventually he will contact me again. I would have to admit that since things have gone sour between the two of us over the years, he has been the one to contact me, so I almost feel as if I owe it to him for taking such a huge step. As you can see, I am confused! I am not necessarily sure if I want things between us to work out, but if they did it would be a good thing - provided we are compatible - as he was my friend, my support and the one that I would talk to when I was in need of a pair of ears to listen.

My best friend is on her honeymoon..I could sure use her advice at a time like this.

Anyways...I came across this link...check it out: The Marriage Revolution