Tuesday, February 10, 2009

It's over.

I think the title says it all....its over - with Mr. Possibility, that is.

In a sense I'm happy, but at the same time I'm saddened that things didn't end up as anticipated by my friends and my family. These past couple of months have been somewhat of an eye opener for me and despite the disappointment, I'm glad I experienced it. I've learned a lot.

I want to start off by saying that I don't hate him (Alhamdulilah) and I don't think that he's a bad person either, he's just not the person for me. Subhan'Allah, its so funny how all this time during out "courtship" if that's what you want to call it, I looked for ways this could work and I saw the good in our relationship (not that it was bad), and then yesterday while I was praying Isha, it dawned on me - I'm not happy and I definitely am not myself. I know a lot of it is contributed to my work load and my busy schedule and the fact that I'm really never home and when I am, I'm working on this assingment and that project, etc. But I have also noticed that there's a bigger change - I rarely smile and I cry too much (totally not my personality).

And its not just that either. I'm the type of person that finds the beauty in Allah (SWT) creation. I admire the beauty of the sky, the ocean, the wind and just about everything else. It gives me an Iman rush. The couple times that I have had such a conversation with him about the beauty of the moon or how much I enjoy nature and how it just amazes me, etc. He kind of just answers with the affirmative and thats the end of the discussion and then we're back to "so what are your plans for the weekend?"

I thought that I could push him to change, but I feel like I'm being pulled in the other direction and it scares me. I don't really think the strength of my faith is something that I'm willing to tamper with even if it will land me a lifetime partner. I need someone who wants to be a better Muslim, someone who pushes me to be a better Muslim. I mean its good to have fun and what not but there's more to life than just fun and games. I need someone who shares the same life goals as I do - I'm not sure if I make sense or not, but I just had to get it off my chest in hopes that someone understands me.


Bibi-Aisha said...

It makes perfect sense. Compromise is essential but when when we compromise on who we essentially are, we lose ourselves.

Hope the tears ease up, and the smiles lead you to the one who is right for you, your deen, your family, your future.

sarah said...

Allah knows the best and He hears all. I'm sure Alah sw will give you better things. Amin!

Sacrifice4Allah said...

May Allah replace him with someone better. Allah always knows what's good for us we just have to put our trust in Him. May your tears turn into happiness and may Allah always protect you and Guide you to the Straight Path. Ameen!

FutureGirl said...

I understand - and I have just the guy for you in fact!
Can I put you in touch?

Muslimah said...

salam sis.

i totally understand.
im going through the same thing right now.
i just dont know how to end it.
it's just so hard.

dont be too sad,sis :)
Allah will replace him with someone much better,insyaAllah :)

Jasmine said...

I would recommend that you google "the grief remedy cycle" which will tell you all about the process you are going through right now, and how to reach the acceptance stage. KNowing these things always helps in my experience. Especially knowing that what your feeling wont last too long,

hijaabified.beauty said...

It feels good to know that I'm being understood. Trust me...it makes me feel a lot better. I have no doubts that its for the best that this didn't work out and of course Allah is the best planners so insha'Allah he has something better planned.

Future Girl...when I saw your comment I thought you were one of those spammer commenters LOL! Are u serious? (perhaps u can answer via email haha)

FutureGirl said...

I am deadly serious! I know a guy who says all of these things you say: he says, "when I look at the moon the power of Allah overwhelms me", and "Allah is the best of planners" and "when I see the stars, I get tears in my eyes that Allah has created this for us" - and when I read your posts, all I can think is: My God! These two were made for eachother!
We're in Uk, but I would love to put you in touch.

FutureGirl said...

When we getting an update? I am missing your thoughts!