Saturday, February 21, 2009

I think I'm slipping

Since this whole Mr. Possibility thing has been over, I've been doing a lot of thinking. For those of you who know me (from my blog...which is quite an accurate indicator of me), you are well aware of my belief that all things happen for a reason. I am an individual that likes to see the good in every situation despite its bitterness. That being said, I am happy in a dreary kind of way. However, with that happiness came a sort of realization that I will take as a wake up call of sorts. Remember when I said I thought I was compromising my faith? I think I have in a sense and I'm scared! I need an Iman Rush stat! Before my time became occupied with telephone conversations and emails and formal dinners at his parents house or mine, I spent my time at the masjid as much as possible, even if it was just very quick to stop by and make salah. I want to point out that I am not blaming him...its all my fault (well shaytan played a huge role in too).

I just feel like I've hit this point of disconnect. I mean I still pray and all that good stuff (alhamdulilah), but sometimes it feels like this combination of words and actions - I'm missing the kushoo..and I wish it would come back really quick.

I dunno...I just feel


FutureGirl said...

Whilst I am not aware of the full ins and outs of your situation, what I will say based on the very basic facts is the following:

You have not compromised your faith at all sister, what you are feeling is the feelings that come from a shift in behavioral patterns which will ultimately affect how you feel about yourself and then these emotions will be projected onto whatever is important to us: in this case, it is your connection with God. In therapy, this is called "projection".

What may be causing this is a suubconsious emotion that you have not resolved or that you have not yet fully accepted which is interfering with your conscious state of being. If you feel anxiety, for example, and you have not dealt with it - then this will affect your feelings about connection. Or if you feel guilt...or any other negative emotion for that matter.

What you must now do is focus on what it is that you are not dealing with (and this will be something about you).

To reconnect all you need to do is experience whatever emotion you are avoiding, and forgive yourself for whatever you feel you have done as that is what is causing this emotional reaction - and then you should feel that connection come back.

Disconnection is a feeling that comes from inside of us - because God is always there, always with us.

Are you punishing yourself for something?

Sacrifice4Allah said...

As Salaamu 'alaikum dear sister,

Sometimes we are so hard on ourselves that we lose focus. You have stated that your khushoo' in Salaat is a problem. As we know praying in congregation has up 27x reward and perhaps you can pray with family or friends regularly to ward of the accursed shaytaan.

Alhamdulilah, that you have noticed a change in yourself and your behaviour, that to me my sister is not someone who has compromised their faith. You have identified a problem and now you are coming back to Allah The Forgiving.

One book i would recommend if you do not have it is "Weakness of Iman : Its Signs of Weakness, Causes and Cures" (Shaikh Muhammad Salih al-Munajjid). I am not suggesting that you have a weak imaan but i am only recommending this book to you because you are my sister in Islam and because this book helped me greatly in identifying the cause of my own weak imaan.

Finally,be patient and persevere with good deeds, think positive and make plenty of dua to Allah The Bestower. May Allah protect you and make you of the righteous ones. Ameen!

Anonymous said...

for some reason I'm touched by this post
although usually so distant from people i don't know well
that cry: i feel so empty
pulls at my heart, an echo of feelings I've had before so many times
i remember thinking of myself as a hollow tree, dead on the inside
the memory of the pain comes back as fresh and sharp as ever
but from a distance, elhamdulillah
too far to engulf me in the darkness of nothing
Its that nothingness that threatens to overtake you
to ruin every real moment you have
you stand in prayer and feel nothing but that gaping hole
you read quran and nothing moves inside
and you can't explain it, you've done nothing wrong
but you can't change how you feel..
I try to remind myself that this is ibtilaa, that its a reminder to return to God
that I've drifted too far, sidetracked from whats important
what I'm really here to do

and i want so much to help, if only i could do or say something..
but what can a mere mortal like me say to heal a wound of the soul?

The one thing i could recomend is duaa and munajah
talk to Him, really talk to Him
don't just say the words you've learnt to pray with
Talk to God, address Him as Himself
The Lord of the worlds
just tell Him everything, He is there listening always
will never let u go or abandon you
never let you down
get up to pray tahajud (qiyammul layl) if you can
make duaa during prayer or in sujood
or after you finish, sitting on your knees in the dark
alone save for the presence of one who has the power to heal all
to mend broken hearts, wearied by the troubles of eldonia
let go of them
remember instead the life that comes, the eternal one
Ask God for his mercy and kindness
Turn to Him for comfort, as a child turns to its mother
weep at His feet, He will not turn you back
and when the sobs die down and your face begins to dry
know that this was a blessing, to have such a moment of sincerity
and nothing cleanses the soul like the tears of a heart naked before its Lord

this has been the only thing that really helped me,
of course now that I've rambled on for far too long it has occurred to me that i may be projecting my own past experiences on to you simply because of a phrase that to me means so much more than it says. it is entirely possible that this isn't at all how you're feeling.. oh well..

may you find the inner peace we all wish for, and taste the sweetness of faith. Ameen.

Anonymous said...

your a very touching writer! I'm feel for you and completely understand your position. Have faith. pray, read quran, sit under a tree and meditate and your khushu will come back. When u take one step towards Allah he runs towars you. remember that. salmaat

samuel said...

I encourage you to read the bible! It has changed my life! said...

Thanks for your concern Samuel, I've read the bible - i have no question that Islam is the Truth