Subhan'Allah the past few weeks have been like excruciating torture to me. The combination of my academic struggles and the whirlwind of feelings I call my emotions has just made this big jumbled up mess. To top it all off my best friend is in some far off land where the phone lines and electricity cut out frequently and when they actually do work, the time change makes calling at an appropriate hour very difficult. I've gotten to the point where I just don't want to see or speak to anyone and just disappear into non-existence only when that actually happens I long for someone to talk to. Humans! They're never happy. This blog comes in handy when you want to talk to someone and be non-existant at the same time, but I must admit, having a real human with real responses would be ideal (sorry guys).
Just as I thought things could not possibly get more depressing than they already are, I was assigned a patient - a tiny little boy (six weeks old) who's face I cannot get out of my face and who's cry I constantly hear. I think of him when I feel down, and suddenly my life seems perfect. This little innocent baby was abused by his father who allegedly stepped on his head and caused major bleeding and swelling in the brain which in turn caused some major neuro changes in this boy. What's more depressing is that mom was nowhere to be seen or heard from. When I would go in and assess him or give him meds he would cry this weak cry and the sound of that defenseless cry tore at my heart strings. How could anyone even think to do such a horrible thing to such a small defenseless child? What would possibly trigger a person to something like this? A child this age deserves to be loved, he deserves to be held in his mothers hands and be fed either by breast or bottle - NOT a tube!! This child needs to be smouthered in kisses, not swaddled and left in a crib to cry alone and not be heard.
I found my ears to listen :) He deserves to be held, so when I'm free and have nothing to do, I sit in his room, in the rocking chair and hold him. While I am not allowed to kiss him due to hospital regulations, I cuddle him and talk to him and tell him how I feel and he listens, I know he does because he looks me square in the eye - I'm sure he doesn't understand a word I'm saying, but who cares? I wonder sometimes if sane, awake, oriented adults understand what I'm saying.
While I sit there and play mommy, I wonder what he's thinking. I wonder how he would smile if he was allowed to be a healthy child like he was born, how instead of crying he would coo like a normal baby. Why bring a child into this world if you're not going to love it?
This little angel of mine makes my pittiful life look like absolute perfection.