Saturday, November 7, 2009

Because you're a girl.

In my 20-some years of life I have come across some ridiculously stupid comments from brothers...alhamdulilah, never from my own brother (he knows better).

You shouldn't be out late...its not safe, you're a girl. Ok, I can understand if by out you meant out in the streets of the hood where gang bangers are selling dope on the corner...sure, I'll go home...but just because you're a man, doesn't make it safe for you either. I'm sick of men who feel that they have some kind of obligation to play the over-seer of affairs, especially when the man is in NO WAY related to me. Personally, I see nothing wrong with a group of girls getting together for some late-night coffee at a near-by coffee shop or going out for dinner in town. What's wrong with that? And what makes me even more mad is when the brother in question says something like "I'm out there at night, so I know its no place for a girl." Oh dear....if its no place for me...its no place for you're not exempt.

You should get married young...if you wanna have kids and all. Don't get me started. I'm sorry..but seriously who are you to talk to me about my biological clock? I had this conversation with a brother (no it wasn't made up). This brother was interested in marrying me. And apparently "no" didn't cut if for him. I tried to be nice by making it a "its not you, its me" thing, telling him I'm busy with school and work. Instead, he persisted finally telling me that I'm "not getting any younger" and that I should "really think about settling down and having kids. You see, after a certain age, men won't be interested in you." UM!? are you freaking kidding me? Now, you seem so much more attractive to me than you were 5 minutes ago. I really wanted to tell him how I really felt about it had nothing to do with school but just that he disgusts me and that I can't see myself with him...ever. But I let him have his male ego trip.

I've come across countless stupid comments from the male species, but I can't seem to remember them all...perhaps I should walk around with a writing pad and write them down as I hear them.

Friday, October 23, 2009

Project: Lend an Ear

Okay so the picture is a little funny and sad at the same time...haha.

But just read....

I live in the big city...the typical kind you see on TV (for those of you living in Rural areas). I drive to and from school (and other places) in rush hour traffic, I drink my coffee and eat my breakfast on the road...and there is TONS of smog. And like any big city you see in the movies..we have our occasional homeless person who sits on bus stop benches, stands on the corner at freeway exits and entrances and hauls his/her stuff down the crosswalk.

Unfortunately, with the recession, I have noticed them more. Before it seemed there was only one homeless for a given large intersection. However recently I have noticed that in my area alone there is one for every street corner and every freeway on-ramp and off-ramp. The recession seems to have hit people pretty bad. Its the worst I've seen. And my parents say its the worst since they've moved to this country. Its a shame.

Of course, I can't help but feel sad every time I see one of these distressed souls, sitting, hopeless and quite obviously stressed out. I think it hit me the hardest when I saw a man selling water bottles on a street corner with a sign that read "Ice Cold water $1 a bottle! Laid off father of two girls...please help me put food on the table." I nearly cried. Being broke and jobless myself, I feel almost helpless that I am unable to lend a helping hand to these people. Often if I don't finish my lunch earlier that day...I share it with the first person I find siting on the side of the road with a sign in his/her hand.

But one day...if a fury of frustration at my inability to find employment...I realized I just wanted someone to listen. Its frustrating, almost debilitating to constantly try finding a job and not being successful and sometimes just having someone listen to you vent helps (of course money and food would help too....Alhamdulilah I live at home though).

So I came up with an idea. The idea is not completely mine...its kind of adopted. Do you remember the "Flashmob Iftars" from 2 or 3 years back? Well...on the same note...everyone's gotta eat. I'm sure if you're living in the states (especially now) or anywhere in the world practically you can find at least one person who is less fortunate than yourself. Perhaps the economy has placed them in an unfortunate situation. a lunch for yourself and one other person. Take that meal to that person and eat with them...speak to them...listen to them...or just sit silently. Reach out.

In today's society, Muslims aren't really looked at in a friendly manner...give people a reason to look at us differently and think of us differently.

And then...lemme know how your experience was. If you wanna remain anonymous....that's fine.

Friday, October 16, 2009 a state of mind

Over the years, I have come across many types of hijaabis. There's the "I don't talk or look at boys" Hijaabi (I don't think there is anything necessarily wrong with her - her lifestyle just doesn't appeal to me), there's the "strictly business" hijaabi (I can relate to her), there's the "he's like my brother" hijaabi (I don't know what to think about her) and the "I'm covered and that's all that matters" hijaabi (I have issues with this one).

I want to preface this by saying that I'm not trying to play the holier than thou role here. I am sure there are a million and one things wrong with me and how I observe my hijaab. As a matter of fact, every now and then I'll do a little self evaluation and think the different ways that I totally don't do hijaab or Islam justice (astaghfirullah). I simply want to point out a few things that I've been noticing in my daily dealings with various hijaabis.

The "I don't talk to or look at boys" hijaabi: I used to be her. I had to be her. I felt that I needed to play this role in order to stay on the right path. After the Mr. Possibility situation I went into this mode. It worked for a while, but very quickly proved impossible for me. Notice, I say for there are many sisters who I know are capable of playing this role. This, I think, is the best way to stay out of works..but its hard.

The "Strictly business" hijaabi: This more of the type of hijaabi I am. I'll talk to a brother, but only because I need something...or because he needs something. Where some people may have issues with me in this regard is that I am also friendly...not friendly in a flirty manner (never that) but friendly the way you would be with a business colleague. I smile, laugh, joke around etc....but in a respectful manner.

The "he's like my brother" hijaabi: This is the sister that talks freely with and jokes around with brothers with the pretense that "he's like my brother."All I have to say to this sister careful! Just because he's like your brother definitely does NOT mean he're treading dangerous waters. Men are all the same..and their minds are all programed to think the same way. Besides, shaytan is one sneaky fellow. Bottom line, he's not your brother....don't treat him like he is.

The "I'm covered and that's all that matters" hijaabi: So, I have the HUGEST problem with this hijaabi. Okay, maybe that came out wrong. Let me explain. Non-Muslim men for the most part, don't understand hijaab. They are men nonetheless, they hiss and howl like dogs in a meat market at the sight of a pretty lady...even when that pretty lady happens to be a Muslim lady in hijaab. I have come across countless occasions where I have been winked at, had kisses blown at and been flirted with (I'm not that pretty). My general response to such inappropriate behavior is to look the other way and keep walking. However, I have seen other sisters laugh, smile back and even wave. They think its funny, but what this sister doesn't understand is that she just gave Islam a bad name. That man that flirted with her has no idea what Islam is or why we cover and by acting in such a manner you just showed him the Hijaab means nothing. No doubt, you can't help that you are beautiful...Allah (SWT) made you that way, but its a test...and by acting're failing. To me, hijaab is a form of Dawah. I use it explain why I can't shake a strange man's hand or why I definitely can't hug him. I use my Islamic identity to explain why I can't date, etc. When people mis-portray hijaab it upsets me.

This is more of a reminder to myself rather than an attempt to finger point.

Sunday, September 27, 2009

True love.....

"I have a you think true love can exist outside of the bond of mother and child?" I looked at him a little confused.

"Are you asking me if true love only exists between a mother and a child?" He looks at me in affirmation, and I think about it for a while.

"No, I think two people that are not related can truly love one another."

"I disagree." He says, "I believe that two people can have a strong like for each other and they can care for each other, but you can truly only love your child or your mother...everything else is like only."

I was a little annoyed by the conversation. I always believed that two people could love each other unconditionally and that love could conquer everything...but life has taught me that love definitely cannot conquer anything...and people don't love unconditionally...they just put up with each other.

What do you think?

Monday, September 14, 2009

OMG!!! Did you get engaged!?!?

So for those of you who know know I'm far from engaged (see other blog).

Earlier today I ran into a brother I have known for a very long time. It seems he's been going to school just as long as I have and the two of us have known one another since then. I hadn't seen him for a while, so I stopped to say salaam and see how he was doing. It was rather pleasant catching up with him. As we talk, I notice he is looking at my hands and 10 minutes into our conversation he yells "OMG!!! Did you get engaged!?!" (relax...he's married).

I pause for a second in wonder until finally saying... "No, I didn't." And then he says, "Oh, I thought...because of your ring."

My ring is on my right hand...I have always worn this ring. And I have always been careful that I never wear any rings on my left hand in fear (or concern, rather) to confuse potential suitors into thinking that I am engaged or worse....married. Perhaps I should refrain from wearing rings all together? Or maybe I should wear a sign that says "I'm single"? Who knew a small piece of jewelry could insight such an assumption.

For the males reading this...don't assume a girl wearing a ring is engaged or married, especially if the said ring is on her right hand. Generally, the Arab population wears their engagement ring on their right hand...but this is usually a diamond ring or other ring with a pretty gem that looks like it would be a wedding ring. If the ring looks plain, its probably not an engagement ring...especially if its on the right hand.

Tuesday, September 8, 2009

True Qaulities of the IbadurRahman....

(Lessons from Surah Furqan)

The day before yesterday we finished reading Surah Furqan in Tarawih. The Shaykh at my masjid does a small 10 minutes lecture on the tafsir of what was read. Of course he is unable in a such a short time to discuss the entire tafsir of the surah so what he does is pull out some significant stories and lessons and bases his lecture on that.

After reciting Surah Furqan he discussed the true qualities of an IbadurRahman (servant of Allah - Ar-Rahman). I took notes...

1. A true IbadurRahman does not walk with pride. He does not stomp his feet and he does not point his nose up high. He walks with humility.
Now a days walking with pride is something that we as Muslims do so much of. We walk into the masjid like we own the place as if the ground we walk on is blessed or something.

2. A true IbadurRahman says Salaam. This doesn't refer to just saying salam when you see another Muslim or upon leaving a gathering, this refers to saying salaam in such situations where there is nothing better to say than "salaam." For example, when you are having a trivial argument that is going nowhere, instead of wasting your time arguing when your time could be invested in something more worth while, stop the argument by saying "salaam" and walking away. In other words saying "you believe in what you want to believe in and I'll believe in what I want to believe in."

3. A true IbadurRahman prays Qiyam-ul-Layl. Alhamdulilah, local masajid have programs where people can come and pray qiyam-ul-layl in congregation. Alhamdulilah it seems many of the youth partake in such practices. The beauty of praying Tahajjud is that the entire world is asleep and it is just you and your Rabb. It is very easy for a person who prays to show off to pray while everyone is awake, but it is impossible for this person to wake up in the middle of the night when most of the world is sleeping, make wudhu and pray. Subhan'Allah praying Qiyam-ul-Layl is special.

4. A true IbadurRahman is not wasteful in his spending. While Allah (SWT) grants one money to spend it, it is not meant to be done in a wasteful manner. People should spend in a manner that is suitable to their means. Often times, today, we see people taking out loans for fancy cars to make a show to society. Or we will see people buying expensive designer purses that can cost $300, $400, $500 or more simply to show off that they have a designer bag. This isn't to say that a Muslim should be miserly either...people should spend within their means. Wear nice clothes, look nice, drive a decent car, but don't overspend.

5. A true IbadurRahman does not kill unjustly. I don't think this requires commentary.

6. A true IbadurRahman avoids Shirk. This does not just refer to overt shirk of ascribing partners to Allah (SWT) as the pagans have. The thing is, in today's society there is a certain degree of shirk when medicine works, instead of us acknowledging that Allah (SWT) cured us, we ascribe the cure to the medicine. When we get a promotion we are very quick to give ourselves high fives for the hard work that we have done but forget to make shurk to Allah (SWT). Even Riya (hypocrisy) is a form of shirk because a hypocrite does his worship in order to show the people rather than to please Allah (SWT).

7. A true IbadurRahman avoids Adultery. This refers to zina of the eyes, zina of the tongue, zina of the hands. In this day and age we live in a society where it is very easy to get caught up in zina, we have cyberspace at our fingertips and it is very easy to fall into Shaytan's trap. Its important for us to have pure intentions at all time so that our thoughts will be pure.

8. A true IbadurRahman avoids lying. When asked a question, a true Muslim will always give the truth to the best of his/her ability. Enough said.

9. A true IbadurRahman obeys the command of Allah and his Rasool (SAW). How often do we question someone when they say Allah (SWT) says in the Quran "XYZ"? Or the Rasool (SAW) says "WZY" and then someone carries on to say, "you know, not all Hadith are sound." Or they ask vague what if questions in a trivial attempt to undermine what was said by the person. What happened to the days when a revelation would come and immediately the people exhibited the change? Unfortunately I never knew those times, but it would be nice if we could emulate that attitude.

10. A true IbadurRahman fears for their family. Not only are they worried about their own spiritual well-being, they worry about the spiritual well-being of their family. They encourage their children to learn about the deen, they make Islam part of family life.

11. A true IbadurRahman fears Allah.

Disclaimer: I think the Shaykh mentioned 13 Qualities...and I only have 11...sorry.

Monday, September 7, 2009

What not to wear to the masjid....

So the title suggests that I will list out a number of thing not to wear at the masjid...but perhaps I'll take a different approach and just rant and rave like I normally do.

Lately, being that its Ramadan, I have found myself frequenting a number of the local masajid in my area, attending Qiyams, lectures, Tarawih, Iftar etc. And I have noticed a trend among many of the younger sisters. By younger I mean middle school/high school aged sisters. I won't totally blame them, their mothers should critique the manner in which they dress before they leave the house for the masjid and their older sisters in the community should be better role models. The trend?? Dressing inappropriately.

Subhan'Allah there are times when sisters walk into the masjid that I feel like I need to look away....I can imagine how daunting it is for the brothers. Poor poor brothers, they come to the masjid during Ramadan to pray Qiyam-ul-layl and still they are plagued with the challenge of looking away as a young sister with wide hips and a big booty walking by in her butt-tight skinny jeans. I know its Ramadan and I know shaytan is locked up, but boys will be boys.

My other pet peeve is the sister who walks into the masjid with a hijaab that's half falling off her head, while her nicely curled locks are peaking out. Or the sister who's make-up looks like she's dressed and ready to go to prom. Subhan'Allah, this is the masjid. Now, I think I could be a little more tolerant if these sisters were quiet, listening or even inside the masjid. Maybe this is the night that their hearts will open because of something the shaykh said? The problem is this is usually the sister that is in and out of the masjid, talking loudly, etc. attracting more attention to herself as if her curvy figure hasn't done so already.

Don't get me wrong, properly dressed hijaabi girls are no better! On the same note, not all the inappropriately dressed sisters are a problem. I'm not sure really what I'm trying to get at. Its just, it seems to me lately that our masjids have turn into these fashion parades and hook up joints. Its as if girls get dressed in their best attire with the intention to get hooked up at the masjid. DONT get me wrong...I would no better place to meet my man than the masjid...its just if it was done with a little more decency and a little more class that would be great!

On the other hand...I'm glad these sisters and their young counter parts are actually at the masjid at 2am on a Saturday night rather than some house Alhamdulilah.

I just feel like if you have a little sister, tell she's beautiful just the way she is and that she doesn't need to flaunt her assets. I think us older sisters need to step up to the plate and be big sisters and guide the little ones...and if there's a brother reading this blog (which i doubt) do the same for your little brothers.

Perhaps I am hypoglycemic...cuz I feel like I just made no sense....

....end rant...

Monday, August 24, 2009

The past is non-existant

By brooding over the past and its tragedies, one exhibits a form of insanity - a kind of sickeness tat destroys resolve to live for the present moment. Those who have a firm purpose have filed away and forgotten occurrences of the past, which will never again see light, since they occupy such a dark place in the recesses of the mind. Episodes of the past are finished with; sadness cannot make things right, and depression will never bring the past back to life. This is because the past is non-existent.
Do not live in the nightmare of former times or under the shade of what you have missed. Save yourself from the ghostly apparition of the past. Do you think that you can return the sun to its place of rising, the baby to its mother's womb, milk to the udder or tears to the eye? By constantly dwelling on the past and its happenings, you place yourself in a very frightful and tragic state of mind.
Reading too much into the past is a waste of the present. When Allah mentioned the affairs of the previous nations, He the Exalted, said:
That was a nation who has passed away (Quran 2:134)
Former days are gone and done with, and you benefit nothing by carrying out an autopsy over them, by turning back the wheels of history.
The person who lives in the past is like someone who tries to saw sawdust. Of old, they used to say "Do not remove the dead from their graves."
Our tragedy is that we are incapable of dealing with the present: neglecting our beautiful castles, we wail over dilapidated buildings. If every man and every jinn were to try jointly to bring back the past, they would most certainly fail. Everything on earth marches forward, preparing for a new season - and so should you.

- 'Aaidh ibn Abdullah al-Qarni (Don't Be Sad)
This is more of a reminder for myself than anything. Often times its hard to look forward in times of difficulty and get on with life (at least it is for me). However, I am going to make this my Ramadan march forward like everything else on earth and prepare for what's next instead of worrying about what has already happened...INSHA'ALLAH.

Please remember me, my family and the Muslim Ummah in your dua this Ramadan.

Monday, April 13, 2009

Spring of my heart

O Allah, I am Your slave and the son of your male slave and the son of your female slave. My forehead is in your hand. Your judgment upon me is assured and Your decree concerning me is just.
I ask You by every name that You have named Yourself with, revealed in Your book, taught anyone of Your creation, or kept unto Yourself in the knowledge of the unseen that is with You, to make the Quran the spring of my heart, and the light of my chest, the banisher of my sadness, and the reliever of my distress.


(Taken from the Fortress of a Muslim)

Sunday, April 5, 2009

I love nature....

I have always had this amazing relationship with nature. I am often overtaken with awe at the beauty of Allah's (SWT) creation from trees of different colors, fields of flowers, snow-capped mountains and even hills that are covered with lush green grass over a backdrop of overcast skies with just a touch of moisture to add some mist to your car window. Sometimes this beauty hinders my ability to drive safely because I am so inclined to stare with a smile on my face and "subhan'Allah" on my lips that I forget that I share the road with thousands of people in a rush to get to work and in the mood to deal with Sunday drivers like myself.
I enjoy sitting in empty fields, alone, free to contemplate and reflect on life and even talk to myself without having to worry about who hears me - except, of course, my creator. I feel like anyone who lives in what my father calls a "concrete jungle" needs to get away every now and again to be able to give himself the time to enjoy the beauty of nature, such beauty softens the heart. I mean, bring an amazing architect and sure, he can build and absolutely breath-taking building, but bring the most experienced land scrapers and none of them can even come close to creating something as beautiful as what Allah (SWT) Himself creates.
Not too long ago, I drove down to a local desert (not the one pictured above...that is somewhere in the Middle East). I prayed maghrib there. As my forehead hit the sand while I was in sujood, I couldn't help but think about the Prophet (SAW) and the Sahaba (RA) and how they prayed in the middle of the desert and a chill went down my back. I had the same feeling a while back when I was in the Middle East. Oh, how I wish I was there. When I spent time in the desert in the Middle East, I watched the sunset thinking subhan'Allah the Prophets (AS) could have walked through this very desert, the sahaba (RA) could have rode their camels through here. And when it got dark, I thought about how I had full service on my cell phone and then thought about how the Prophets (AS) really had nothing of the sort.
As the sun disappeared and the sky got pitch black, I was unable to see my hand as I held it out in front of my face. I got that stomach drop feeling you get when you take the first drop of a rollercoaster - subhan'Allah when the prophet (SAW) traveled in the night during the Hijrah, it was pitch black and he didn't have a cell phone or any other communicating device. The amount of sacrifice the Prophets (AS) and Sahaba (RA) made for the deen is absolutely unsurpassable - its a shame that we sin on a daily basis and often do not represent Islam as we should. It breaks my heart - and unfortunately I am as guilty as anyone.

Sunday, March 29, 2009

Lost my touch?

Its been a while. I've been meaning to come by numerous times to type up a little rant about how my life is going. There have been times that I've started writing and just didn't like the sound of things, or just wasn't feeling like writing and simply closed my browser and walked away with a large number of written out posts that are lacking substance and have no ending. I think I've contracted some form of writer's block. Perhaps I am simply lacking the motivation to write? Lately, my life has been rather uneventful - it can be a good thing and it could be a bad thing...I still haven't decided what it is.

For the past (I don't know how many) weeks, I've been left to do a lot of thinking about life and its outcomes. Good thinking - I think. I am not angry, sad, mad, depressed or any of those adjectives...I am content. Alhamdulilah.

Since my last post, which seems like ages ago, I have pulled away from a lot of people and though it may sound like a bad thing, I think it served for the best. It has allowed me to reflect on me or at least that's what I'm telling myself. However, I have found that even with all this pulling away and reflection I am unable to really accurately put my feelings to paper (my only source of outlet), perhaps they are too abstract to make sense even to me? Come to think of it, they really are just a huge blob of thoughts that circle in my brain waiting for escape but are much to crazy to share. I dunno.

My best friend is usually the one person who can decipher my thoughts and feelings when I can't understand them for myself. She usually can just hear the tone in my voice when discussing a certain topic and can automatically understand my feelings. As if the physical distance wasn't enough, I feel as though we are farther away from each other as the time passes by. I suppose marriage does that - it changes all the relationships you've ever had. Sometimes for better and sometimes for worse. So for now, its me and you! I'll try to make as much sense as possible.

Until next time, remember me in your duas.

Wednesday, March 11, 2009

My little Angel

Subhan'Allah the past few weeks have been like excruciating torture to me. The combination of my academic struggles and the whirlwind of feelings I call my emotions has just made this big jumbled up mess. To top it all off my best friend is in some far off land where the phone lines and electricity cut out frequently and when they actually do work, the time change makes calling at an appropriate hour very difficult. I've gotten to the point where I just don't want to see or speak to anyone and just disappear into non-existence only when that actually happens I long for someone to talk to. Humans! They're never happy. This blog comes in handy when you want to talk to someone and be non-existant at the same time, but I must admit, having a real human with real responses would be ideal (sorry guys).

Just as I thought things could not possibly get more depressing than they already are, I was assigned a patient - a tiny little boy (six weeks old) who's face I cannot get out of my face and who's cry I constantly hear. I think of him when I feel down, and suddenly my life seems perfect. This little innocent baby was abused by his father who allegedly stepped on his head and caused major bleeding and swelling in the brain which in turn caused some major neuro changes in this boy. What's more depressing is that mom was nowhere to be seen or heard from. When I would go in and assess him or give him meds he would cry this weak cry and the sound of that defenseless cry tore at my heart strings. How could anyone even think to do such a horrible thing to such a small defenseless child? What would possibly trigger a person to something like this? A child this age deserves to be loved, he deserves to be held in his mothers hands and be fed either by breast or bottle - NOT a tube!! This child needs to be smouthered in kisses, not swaddled and left in a crib to cry alone and not be heard.

I found my ears to listen :) He deserves to be held, so when I'm free and have nothing to do, I sit in his room, in the rocking chair and hold him. While I am not allowed to kiss him due to hospital regulations, I cuddle him and talk to him and tell him how I feel and he listens, I know he does because he looks me square in the eye - I'm sure he doesn't understand a word I'm saying, but who cares? I wonder sometimes if sane, awake, oriented adults understand what I'm saying.

While I sit there and play mommy, I wonder what he's thinking. I wonder how he would smile if he was allowed to be a healthy child like he was born, how instead of crying he would coo like a normal baby. Why bring a child into this world if you're not going to love it?

This little angel of mine makes my pittiful life look like absolute perfection.

Saturday, February 21, 2009

I think I'm slipping

Since this whole Mr. Possibility thing has been over, I've been doing a lot of thinking. For those of you who know me (from my blog...which is quite an accurate indicator of me), you are well aware of my belief that all things happen for a reason. I am an individual that likes to see the good in every situation despite its bitterness. That being said, I am happy in a dreary kind of way. However, with that happiness came a sort of realization that I will take as a wake up call of sorts. Remember when I said I thought I was compromising my faith? I think I have in a sense and I'm scared! I need an Iman Rush stat! Before my time became occupied with telephone conversations and emails and formal dinners at his parents house or mine, I spent my time at the masjid as much as possible, even if it was just very quick to stop by and make salah. I want to point out that I am not blaming him...its all my fault (well shaytan played a huge role in too).

I just feel like I've hit this point of disconnect. I mean I still pray and all that good stuff (alhamdulilah), but sometimes it feels like this combination of words and actions - I'm missing the kushoo..and I wish it would come back really quick.

I dunno...I just feel

Tuesday, February 10, 2009

It's over.

I think the title says it all....its over - with Mr. Possibility, that is.

In a sense I'm happy, but at the same time I'm saddened that things didn't end up as anticipated by my friends and my family. These past couple of months have been somewhat of an eye opener for me and despite the disappointment, I'm glad I experienced it. I've learned a lot.

I want to start off by saying that I don't hate him (Alhamdulilah) and I don't think that he's a bad person either, he's just not the person for me. Subhan'Allah, its so funny how all this time during out "courtship" if that's what you want to call it, I looked for ways this could work and I saw the good in our relationship (not that it was bad), and then yesterday while I was praying Isha, it dawned on me - I'm not happy and I definitely am not myself. I know a lot of it is contributed to my work load and my busy schedule and the fact that I'm really never home and when I am, I'm working on this assingment and that project, etc. But I have also noticed that there's a bigger change - I rarely smile and I cry too much (totally not my personality).

And its not just that either. I'm the type of person that finds the beauty in Allah (SWT) creation. I admire the beauty of the sky, the ocean, the wind and just about everything else. It gives me an Iman rush. The couple times that I have had such a conversation with him about the beauty of the moon or how much I enjoy nature and how it just amazes me, etc. He kind of just answers with the affirmative and thats the end of the discussion and then we're back to "so what are your plans for the weekend?"

I thought that I could push him to change, but I feel like I'm being pulled in the other direction and it scares me. I don't really think the strength of my faith is something that I'm willing to tamper with even if it will land me a lifetime partner. I need someone who wants to be a better Muslim, someone who pushes me to be a better Muslim. I mean its good to have fun and what not but there's more to life than just fun and games. I need someone who shares the same life goals as I do - I'm not sure if I make sense or not, but I just had to get it off my chest in hopes that someone understands me.

Friday, January 23, 2009


How fitting this quote is...

‘Do not detest the misfortunes that befall you, for what you detest may be the cause of your salvation and what you like may be the cause of your ruin.’

~ Hasan Al-Basri

Monday, January 12, 2009

I cry for Gaza

As I sit watching the news of the atrocities in Gaza - particularly world news, Al-Jazeera to be exact, because its the only channel that shows it like it is - I feel guilty. I'm ashamed to be sitting in the comfort of my home, on my nice soft couch, in my nicely ironed clothes, calm despite my boiling blood as a result of the injustices my brothers and sisters are enduring. I am ashamed to sit in front of my TV as images of dying children are flashing before my eyes, while my nieces and nephews are laughing and giggling in the background, playing hide-and-seek - a child should never know the world of guns and bombs, and yet this is an everyday reality for too many children.

My heart aches and the pain is unbearable when I see a mother wailing, crying and screaming at the news that her child has died, the images make me sick to my stomach - I am no longer able to drink my tea in front of my TV set.

I feel helpless and this makes me disgusted at myself! How could I possibly just be sitting here, knowing in my heart that what is going on is wrong and unjust - and still I'm just sitting here. I cry and my heart aches, the tears well up in my eyes. The news causes my heart to race and my rage is causing my face to turn red with anger - and still I am at home, safe, with my family, without a single fear in my mind that they will be taken from me. I even smile every now and again at the jokes my nephew says and then I am reminded that while my life is perfect at this very moment, one of my brothers and sisters are suffering.

As night time approaches and I am extremely exhausted from the long day of lectures and the tedious hours of studying, I get ready for sleep. As my head hits the pillow a horrible thought crosses my mind - while I sleep, comfortably in the warmness of my bed, they are dying. Suddenly, sleep is not an option. How could I sleep, knowing what is going on?? I wish I was there, able to do something - anything - even if it is to give someone a hug and feel the pain that they are feeling.


PLEASE!!! Keep our brothers and sisters in Gaza in your dua's