Subhan'Allah the past few weeks have been like excruciating torture to me. The combination of my academic struggles and the whirlwind of feelings I call my emotions has just made this big jumbled up mess. To top it all off my best friend is in some far off land where the phone lines and electricity cut out frequently and when they actually do work, the time change makes calling at an appropriate hour very difficult. I've gotten to the point where I just don't want to see or speak to anyone and just disappear into non-existence only when that actually happens I long for someone to talk to. Humans! They're never happy. This blog comes in handy when you want to talk to someone and be non-existant at the same time, but I must admit, having a real human with real responses would be ideal (sorry guys).
Just as I thought things could not possibly get more depressing than they already are, I was assigned a patient - a tiny little boy (six weeks old) who's face I cannot get out of my face and who's cry I constantly hear. I think of him when I feel down, and suddenly my life seems perfect. This little innocent baby was abused by his father who allegedly stepped on his head and caused major bleeding and swelling in the brain which in turn caused some major neuro changes in this boy. What's more depressing is that mom was nowhere to be seen or heard from. When I would go in and assess him or give him meds he would cry this weak cry and the sound of that defenseless cry tore at my heart strings. How could anyone even think to do such a horrible thing to such a small defenseless child? What would possibly trigger a person to something like this? A child this age deserves to be loved, he deserves to be held in his mothers hands and be fed either by breast or bottle - NOT a tube!! This child needs to be smouthered in kisses, not swaddled and left in a crib to cry alone and not be heard.
I found my ears to listen :) He deserves to be held, so when I'm free and have nothing to do, I sit in his room, in the rocking chair and hold him. While I am not allowed to kiss him due to hospital regulations, I cuddle him and talk to him and tell him how I feel and he listens, I know he does because he looks me square in the eye - I'm sure he doesn't understand a word I'm saying, but who cares? I wonder sometimes if sane, awake, oriented adults understand what I'm saying.
While I sit there and play mommy, I wonder what he's thinking. I wonder how he would smile if he was allowed to be a healthy child like he was born, how instead of crying he would coo like a normal baby. Why bring a child into this world if you're not going to love it?
This little angel of mine makes my pittiful life look like absolute perfection.
4 comments:
My sister, its hard to say the words and express the soure of love with which I say these painful words you to: that what you are doing by loving this child is painful and unhealthy for you sweetheart, and will lead you to more hurt. I feel that you are very vulnerable right now, and I would recommend that you take yourself to a source of strength, to reenergise and rejuvinate, maybe overseas or somewhere far away where you can find peace, peace, love and blessings to you, FG xx
SubhanaAllah what an emotional post. That poor little baby! Sadly cruelty exists in our world. May Allah help this little boy overcome the traumatic events in his short little life and help him grow into a healthy and happy young man who has Allah in his heart always. Ameen.
MashaAllah sister you have a big heart and a beautiful spirit may Allah reward you immensely for what you're doing for this sweet little boy. I disagree with FutureGirl that helping this little boy is unhealthy. It is only unhealthy if the little boy is the sole focus of your attention in your life at the moment.
As for you feeling really down, the only cure for that is the remembrance of Allah The Exalted and read the Qur'an, ponder on the meaning and rest assured that Allah hears and responds to those in distress. Make plenty of dua, especially:
'La 'ilaaha 'illallahul'Adheemul Haleem la 'ilaaha illallahu Rabbul-'Arshil 'Adheem, laa 'ilaaha 'illallaahu Rabbusamaawaati wa Rabbul-'ardhi wa Rabbul-'Arshil Kareem.'
(There is none worthy of worship but Allah the Mighty the Forbearing. There is none worthy of worship but Allah, Lord of the Magnificent Throne. There is none worthy of worship but Allah , Lord of the heavens and Lord of the earth, and Lord of the Noble Throne)
May Allah make things easy for you and relieve you. For verily my sister Allah has promised "After every hardship there is ease".
Let us know how you get on in the coming weeks inshaAllah!
I love you for doing this. This child was likely never held in his life, much less spoken to. I pray that the eventual separation does not hurt you dear one.
Assalamualaikum...
Jazak'Allah for all of your concern. Alhamdulilah I am doing well. As for the little boy...more than loving him and caring for him, I feel like he was brought to my attention to say "some people have it harder" in a sense. As you all know, I am a firm believer that everything that happens happens for a reason, so I have no doubt that there was a reason for him being assigned to me.
When I looked at him it was instantly healing to me - my problems were so minuscule compared to his and he had only been alive for a few weeks. Subhan'Allah. Sometimes we get so wrapped up in self-pity that we forget to look at the world around us.
So Alhamdulilah I'm much better :)
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