I think I'm slipping

Since this whole Mr. Possibility thing has been over, I've been doing a lot of thinking. For those of you who know me (from my blog...which is quite an accurate indicator of me), you are well aware of my belief that all things happen for a reason. I am an individual that likes to see the good in every situation despite its bitterness. That being said, I am happy in a dreary kind of way. However, with that happiness came a sort of realization that I will take as a wake up call of sorts. Remember when I said I thought I was compromising my faith? I think I have in a sense and I'm scared! I need an Iman Rush stat! Before my time became occupied with telephone conversations and emails and formal dinners at his parents house or mine, I spent my time at the masjid as much as possible, even if it was just very quick to stop by and make salah. I want to point out that I am not blaming him...its all my fault (well shaytan played a huge role in too).

I just feel like I've hit this point of disconnect. I mean I still pray and all that good stuff (alhamdulilah), but sometimes it feels like this combination of words and actions - I'm missing the kushoo..and I wish it would come back really quick.


I dunno...I just feel empty...help.

It's over.

I think the title says it all....its over - with Mr. Possibility, that is.

In a sense I'm happy, but at the same time I'm saddened that things didn't end up as anticipated by my friends and my family. These past couple of months have been somewhat of an eye opener for me and despite the disappointment, I'm glad I experienced it. I've learned a lot.

I want to start off by saying that I don't hate him (Alhamdulilah) and I don't think that he's a bad person either, he's just not the person for me. Subhan'Allah, its so funny how all this time during out "courtship" if that's what you want to call it, I looked for ways this could work and I saw the good in our relationship (not that it was bad), and then yesterday while I was praying Isha, it dawned on me - I'm not happy and I definitely am not myself. I know a lot of it is contributed to my work load and my busy schedule and the fact that I'm really never home and when I am, I'm working on this assingment and that project, etc. But I have also noticed that there's a bigger change - I rarely smile and I cry too much (totally not my personality).

And its not just that either. I'm the type of person that finds the beauty in Allah (SWT) creation. I admire the beauty of the sky, the ocean, the wind and just about everything else. It gives me an Iman rush. The couple times that I have had such a conversation with him about the beauty of the moon or how much I enjoy nature and how it just amazes me, etc. He kind of just answers with the affirmative and thats the end of the discussion and then we're back to "so what are your plans for the weekend?"

I thought that I could push him to change, but I feel like I'm being pulled in the other direction and it scares me. I don't really think the strength of my faith is something that I'm willing to tamper with even if it will land me a lifetime partner. I need someone who wants to be a better Muslim, someone who pushes me to be a better Muslim. I mean its good to have fun and what not but there's more to life than just fun and games. I need someone who shares the same life goals as I do - I'm not sure if I make sense or not, but I just had to get it off my chest in hopes that someone understands me.

Misfortunes

How fitting this quote is...

‘Do not detest the misfortunes that befall you, for what you detest may be the cause of your salvation and what you like may be the cause of your ruin.’

~ Hasan Al-Basri

I cry for Gaza

As I sit watching the news of the atrocities in Gaza - particularly world news, Al-Jazeera to be exact, because its the only channel that shows it like it is - I feel guilty. I'm ashamed to be sitting in the comfort of my home, on my nice soft couch, in my nicely ironed clothes, calm despite my boiling blood as a result of the injustices my brothers and sisters are enduring. I am ashamed to sit in front of my TV as images of dying children are flashing before my eyes, while my nieces and nephews are laughing and giggling in the background, playing hide-and-seek - a child should never know the world of guns and bombs, and yet this is an everyday reality for too many children.

My heart aches and the pain is unbearable when I see a mother wailing, crying and screaming at the news that her child has died, the images make me sick to my stomach - I am no longer able to drink my tea in front of my TV set.

I feel helpless and this makes me disgusted at myself! How could I possibly just be sitting here, knowing in my heart that what is going on is wrong and unjust - and still I'm just sitting here. I cry and my heart aches, the tears well up in my eyes. The news causes my heart to race and my rage is causing my face to turn red with anger - and still I am at home, safe, with my family, without a single fear in my mind that they will be taken from me. I even smile every now and again at the jokes my nephew says and then I am reminded that while my life is perfect at this very moment, one of my brothers and sisters are suffering.

As night time approaches and I am extremely exhausted from the long day of lectures and the tedious hours of studying, I get ready for sleep. As my head hits the pillow a horrible thought crosses my mind - while I sleep, comfortably in the warmness of my bed, they are dying. Suddenly, sleep is not an option. How could I sleep, knowing what is going on?? I wish I was there, able to do something - anything - even if it is to give someone a hug and feel the pain that they are feeling.

**sigh**

PLEASE!!! Keep our brothers and sisters in Gaza in your dua's

Jihad-un-Nafs......

And I lost the battle big time. I'd rather not go into details, but I'd just like to say that I feel stupid to say the very least. What the heck was I thinking??

Anyways, I'm really not in the mood to discuss it, so instead I'll share something that I've been meaning to share for quite some time....

Dated June 26, 2006 ( I think) - In regards to Mr. Possibility (round one)...FIGHT..(Just Kidding)

Today I learned a very important lesson and while I am have a painfully difficult time digesting what life taught me, I am happy in a gloomy and gray kind of way. The lesson? Well, it has many parts to it. For starters, life is too short, I've learned that a broken heart really hurts and that keeping your feelings bottled up inside doesn't benefit anyone. I have learned not to trust too much and that thinking with your mind can be just as dangerous as thinking with your heart. I have learned that life is cruel, but Allah (SWT) is merciful. Alhamdulilah I am Muslim because if I wasn't I would be at a bar downing shots of vodka in a sad effort to drown my sorrows. I have learned that anticipation and optimism while beautiful are also the two ugliest concepts ever. And still, all I can think of is that painful broken heart that I am enduring at the moment.

If ther is one thing that I have always known, its that Allah (SWT) is the best of planners and that He never presents a person with a hardship that he cannot handle. I have always known that something that doesn't kill you will make you stronger and although optimism is not on my good side, I am going to let it stick around for a while.....its the only way I think I can survive.

I believe that everything happens for a reason, no matter how bad it hurts, there is a significance to everything and nothing is a mistake. Perhaps he was brought into my life to make me a better Muslim? My mind is obviously not sophisticated enough to comprehend the loop holes and reasons being the events of my life, only my Raab knows the answer to that. And while I can go on and on about the things that I am feeling despite my inability to comprehend, I am going to conclude by saying "Alhamdulilah."

I'm back (for now)

So I've been gone for a while...almost nearing a month. For all those who left me messages and emails with well wishes and curiosity..thanks! It feels good to know that someone cares to know what's going on.

A lot of people have been emailing or commenting on the situation with Mr. Possibility (I say a lot like its a million people...ok ok...SOME). Alhamdulilah, things are going well. I know I sit here and rant and rave about how he doesn't really fit the bill when it comes to religiosity and what not, but he really is a good guy. Don't get me wrong, it still bothers me that he's not super religious or that his social views are rather liberal compared to mine, but as a person he is really amazing. Don't get all excited, there are no wedding bells, no engagement ring, nothing. Its just that over the past few days, when I've needed a friend the most and a shoulder to cry on (in the figurative way, not literally), he has been there. He's tried his hardest to cheer me up and for the most part has succeeded.

One of the things that I admire about him is that he supports me in everything that I do. He supports my decision to persue a higher education, my desire to work and be active in the community both Islamically and not. The problem I find in most "religious" men is that while they follow most Islamic guidelines when it comes to life, i.e. praying, going to the masjid, relations with the opposite gender, community work, etc., they often fail to support their wives' community involvement and participation (its a bit of a double standard). Mr. Possibility on the other hand, while not super active, he supports me and applauds me for my effort...I like that.

When I read the entries that I wrote about him in the past, I have truly been unjust to him. He truly is a kind hearted man. And I'm not sure if I'm being naive or childish, but after my (almost) month of absence, I truly saw how much he cares about me. I'm going to be more open minded from now on insha'Allah.

Muslims and Halloween.....I don't get it

So, tomorrow is Halloween (let's throw a party....NOT)

I don't get it! What I mean is I don't understand this new (or maybe just to me) concept of Muslims celebrating Halloween. I mean, don't get me wrong I celebrated it back in the day when I was a kid. I even dressed up as a Ninja Turtle or something (Donatello, I think) but I think the last Halloween I celebrated was when I was 6. After that, I think my dad or the Imam at the masjid put a stop to it or something. Besides, as my parents like to say "times have changed, you can't trust people now a days." I remember coming home with my sack full of candy and then having it meticulously searched by my mom and dad before I could eat it. But that is besides the point! The point is, for years we've been told about the Haraamness of Halloween and I totally agree with it..I think its totally pagan and haraam in every way, what I don't get is how and why Muslims have started to delve back into celebrating it....it makes no sense. And as if the haraamness comes from going out into the streets and dressing up as someone, lets have a costume party at the masjid on HALLOWEEN! What is happening to this ummah?

I had a conversation with Mr. Possiblity about this matter. He apparently attended a Halloween party this week. He validated it by telling me that it was an event for his masters program....khair. He could tell that I was annoyed by what he had said and then asked me what the big deal was. What's the big deal??? Are you kidding me?? You just told me that you engaged in this kafir/pagan party and now you're asking me what the big deal is?! Needless to say I haven't spoken to him in a week. URGH.

To some people - Like Mr. Possibility - Dressing up as someone you're not and attending a party where everyone else is dressed up as someone they're not is not a big deal. And perhaps when you say it like that it isn't a big deal, but when you look back to see why you're dressed up and why you engage in that practice you'd have to be an idiot to not see the danger and sin in it. Or perhapse I'm the idiot...only Allah knows. The way I see it, its better to just stay away completely.

As for Mr. Possiblity...I wish he would change, not for me...but for himself, for the sake of Allah. I told my parents that I would TRY to make it work. And if it does, Alhamdulilah and if not Alhamdulilah...Allah (SWT) is the best of planners.